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EUPHORIA VS DESPAIR (Limerence)

We have all been prone to limerence at one point in our lives. We are living in an age and time where there is a lot of social media influence that has seeped into our everyday routine. It first starts with your favorite influencer defining what an ideal partner should look like then proceed to gaslighting you into believing that you can have any partner you want if you manifest them using a trending sound. You slowly create an obsessive pattern of trying to bag that ideal partner that you are convinced you love. Limerence can occur in different ways but this is the most popular one. Let’s dive in and look into what limerence is and how to break free from this toxic habit.

Limerence is a foolish strong love and interest in someone creates an attachment where you feel the irrevocable urge to be with this person; limerent object.

Limerence is the obsessive infatuation with a specific person. It can go to lengths of delusion where you become utterly obsessed with a celebrity in a different continent and you build your entire life around them because you’re convinced you two are meant to be. You romanticize even the simplest forms of kindness they show you. That foolish strong love and interest in someone creates an attachment where you feel the irrevocable urge to be with this person; limerent object. At times, limerence might be mistaken for love at first sight and that’s precisely why we need to separate limerence from love because the line separating the lanes is a bit blurry.

Limerence is usually about obtaining affection from the limerent object while love is all about giving affection more than receiving. Limerence is manipulated by adrenaline chemicals that make you anxious when you have contact with the limerent object while love rides more on the calming hormones that make interactions with the person feel tranquil and peaceful. Limerence sees love as perfect with zero flaws while love sees flaws but accepts them regardless. Limerence has the aspect of mind games while love focuses on clear communication.

Limerence has the aspect of mind games while love focuses on clear communication.

When you are experiencing limerence, you can’t seem to stop yourself from thinking about the limerent object. It’s more about crushing on the limerence object and wanting them without a significant reason as to why you desperately want them. Limerence is a very intense feeling that makes one irrational. The emotions are often intrusive and involuntary but don’t you worry because it is not fatal. You can start by self-awareness; understand your triggers, what you want and what you need. You can also invest that time and energy you spend on your limerent object on self-care. Addressing underlying psychological issues and seeking support will aid in your recovery. Let’s undo those toxic cycles one at a time till we become the best versions of ourselves.

Ps. Just Saying.

Mistaken Identities on a Lonely Road

It was past 10 p.m., and I found myself walking home on a deserted road. The streetlights flickered like they were part of a horror-movie conspiracy. The silence was so heavy you could hear a mosquito cough.

That’s when I saw him.

A tall figure walking briskly from the opposite end. He had his hands tucked into his jacket pockets. In my mind, that was the universal sign of a robber.

My heart began pounding. Oh no. Not me. Not tonight. Lord, I don’t want my obituary to say “robbed while chasing a peanut salary.”

I tightened my grip on my bag. My brain screamed: Act tough. Look scary. Scare him before he scares you.

So, I gave my best death glare, widened my steps, and tried to look like someone who did karate. Spoiler alert: I’ve only ever watched Jackie Chan movies.

But here’s the kicker.

As I advanced, I noticed his eyes bulging at me. His pace quickened. Then suddenly, he puffed up his chest and started walking like a bodyguard in an action film.

Wait a minute… he thinks I’m the robber!

Now we’re both marching down this lonely road. We glare at each other like two cats about to brawl in an alley.

The closer we got, the more dramatic it became. My breathing grew heavy. His nostrils flared like a bull about to charge. And I swear, for a split second, I thought we’d both attack at the same time.

Then, the most awkward thing happened.

We opened our mouths at the exact same moment and shouted:
“DON’T ROB ME!”

The silence after that was deafening. Then we both blinked, stared, and burst into laughter so loud the stray dogs started barking.

Turns out, we were both just two tired strangers trying to get home. Each of us was convinced the other was Nairobi’s most wanted.

We ended up walking together for safety. And guess what? He wasn’t a robber. He was a primary school teacher.

Funny twist? He taught karate at the school.

So technically, if it came down to a fight… yeah, I’d have lost all my imaginary ninja moves in two seconds flat.

Ps. Just Saying.

Building Rhythm, Brick by Brick: A 12-Year Journey to Self-Belief

Mocking laughter. That is all I was used to.

Ever loved something that you are terrible at? You love it so much that you tune your mind to become oblivious to the mockery.

I was in junior school when I discovered that I loved music. I loved moving to the rhythm. Unfortunately, the rhythm and my body were never in sync.

I knew this for a fact but it didn’t stop me from trying. I was a gutsy young child and I wasn’t about to give up on dancing.

“Oh, she has two left feet. She can’t even groove to the beat. She is too stiff.“

Whatever terrible comment you’ve ever heard directed to someone who can’t dance, you name it and I had heard it.

“I know I have two left feet but so what. I’ll get better at dancing someday,” I would always remind myself.

The naysayers gave me more reason to keep trying. However, it took a lot of backlash for me finally decide to put in the work.

It all started on one fine Saturday morning at school. It was sports day and we had all gathered at the school field. Snacks in hand, armed with gear and the zeal to have a good time.

We all gathered together in the middle of the field awaiting instructions from the teacher.

“We will breakout into teams of four. But before then, we will have an opportunity to warm-up together and do some singing games.”

Warm-ups and singing games were the best part of sports day for me. I enjoyed them even though I couldn’t dance.

Today wasn’t going to be any different. We did our warm-ups led by our teacher and began the singing games.

It started off well with most students pumped to participate. You know for a fact that there is no singing without dancing.

The games captain was the one leading us. Let’s say we were not quite acquainted with each other. However, everyone knew I sucked at dancing. It was no secret.

Thirty minutes later!

I had not gotten a chance to be a part of the singing games. I was getting agitated by the minute. I decided to come up with a plan to be a part of the game.

My namesake.

I decided that I would jump in the moment they call out my namesake. The plan was now in motion.

Within a couple of minutes, the call out her name and I jump in singing. At this point my ears were ringing loud after the realization of what I had just done.

I had decided to make a clown of myself yet again knowing fully well I lack rhythm.

Well, it’s too late now and everyone is staring at me.

One foot up…one forward, maybe back…one foot to the side and now I don’t have balance and I might just…fall!

Yeah! Flat on my face. All I hear was the ringing in my ears with roaring laughter in the background.

I look up but my vision is blurry. Tears cloud my eyes. I lift myself off the ground. I endure the walk of shame away from my peers.

I sat out for the rest of the games even when they broke out into teams. I pretended that my fall was fatal.

The pain that I was feeling though wasn’t physical. It was in the depths of my heart. The reality that I will never find rhythm against the delusion of being a great dancer.

In that precise moment, I made a promise to myself. To find rhythm and to live it. I was fully charged and nothing would stop me.

Fast forward twelve years later, she found her own rhythm. It didn’t take hours, days, months but years to find her steps.

She’s not the best dancer but brick by brick she built her rhythm. Now, music is her best friend and dancing is the glue that holds them together.

Ps. Just Saying.

The Online Romance That Turned Into a $20 Scam: My Catfish Story

Love. We are all chasing this elusive concept that feels so close at heart yet so far at sight. We all want to be seen, to be understood and to find home.

A place where you belong without having to try too hard. A place where all your emotions weave into perfect harmony.

Now, this need is also a ticking time bomb. People with ulterior motives have learned how to harness it’s power for malice.

23rd June, 2023.

The day that I decided to join an online class and learn Korean. This came after my discovery of K-dramas and K-pop.

It’s a very interesting phase and if you have never experienced it, it’ll catch up with you alongside mid-life crisis. There’s no escaping it.

It was a bold move considering the fact that I was the only African in the class. But I love a little adventure.

It didn’t take me long to make a friend; a Korean native living in Japan. His name was Don Hyun. He was trying to learn English and we met during a breakout room session on Zoom.

We had a good chat in the breakout room and we decided to move it to WhatsApp. A big mistake but I didn’t know it then.

I was ecstatic that I had made a foreign friend. The conversations were awesome and slowly without realizing it, we drifted further from our intent.

After two weeks of consistently talking, things took an unexpected turn. Hyun decided to confess his feelings for me with a heartfelt message.

I think this is a good time to let you in on something. We had never communicated via video or voice call. There were endless excuses.

One time he had the flu. The other time he was at work. It was noisy, but he always provided photos that matched up to his excuses.

Easy, right? Only things started to get a bit suspicious. If you have lived in Africa you know that if things go too good, impending doom is on the horizon.

One fine morning, he sent a video of a package. It contained skincare products, luxury scents, and a pair of red bottoms.

“Hey lovely, I would like to send you this gift for being such an amazing partner. I can’t wait to come visit you there. Send me your full name, email address and contact information.“

The message read but my intuition kicked in almost immediately.

I ignored the message. Later into the day, he sent yet another video. The video showed a package being prepared for shipping.

“The package is now ready for shipping. Now all I need is your contact information so that you can receive it.“

Sometimes, I dread how audacious I can be. I sent him my contact information for the plot.

A couple of hours later, I receive a phone call. My parcel had just landed, but there was a catch.

“Hello…Am I speaking to…Yes, your parcel has arrived but they forgot to charge a fee of $20…Upon payment of the fee, they will deliver the package at my doorstep.“

And there it was, my last straw. I had no doubt in my mind that this was a perfectly crafted scam.

Hyun texted a few minutes later. I didn’t want to indulge so I ignored his texts.

“Hey pretty, I forgot to pay a fee of $20. However, I have sent you $2000 in the package as a gift. Use your own money to pay the you will access the $2000, give 20% to charity and spend the rest.“

Aw! A con-artist with a heart of gold. He has even used “charity” in his mischievous con game.

He got impatient and decided to call. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I clocked it. That deep Pidgin accent that sent my spidey senses in mayhem.

That’s the reason he avoided phone calls this entire time. He wasn’t a Korean instead a catfish tucked away somewhere in West Africa.

“Why do you sound Nigerian?” and that was the last conversation we had with “Don Hyun“. He hang up the phone and went ghost.

It made me question how many times that this perpetrator had gotten away with this. The idea of love, an international kind of love will send just about anyone spiraling.

Welcome to the 21st Century where loving genuinely puts a target on your back. Scammers, psychopaths, narcissists, manipulators, abusers; you are never safe. Love with boundaries, love with rules, and love with your mind. Stay safe out there.

Ps. Just Saying.

Slapped by a Stranger? My Bizarre Store Experience Over a Chocolate Craving

Evening! I love evenings because I get to unwind after a long day at work. I get to do whatever I want. They weren’t so wrong when they said that 9-5 is modern day slavery.

I left work with the intention to get one, just one particular chocolate to calm my nerves. Thing is, only one store sells this particular chocolate and it’s usually packed with endless customers in the evening.

I was well aware of this fact but my cravings weren’t having it. I had to get that specific chocolate and I had to at that precise moment.

“Oh well, here goes nothing,” I walk into the store. I already dread my decision. I stare at the long queue of impatient and grumpy customers. In a few minutes, I was about to be in their shoes.

Deep down I had already made peace with the fact that I was going to be here a while. So, I figured why not just do some window shopping. Which I did. Only it led to impulse buying.

My adventurous and wondrous spirit guided me to the diapers aisle. I must say that what I saw took me aback.

“1800 Kenyan shillings!” That’s pretty pricey for diapers that are going into the trash.

But anyway, what do I know? I have no kids yet but that price leaves no room to expect the day that I become a parent.

“No wonder the people at the counter looked so grumpy. I mean I would be grumpy if I was buying diapers for Ksh 1800.”

I moved along. Mysteriously, I landed on the snacks aisle. I was trying so hard to avoid it. But the heart wants what it wants.

After picking a few items, I finally decided to pick my chocolate that brought me all the way.

I calculatedly picked the chocolate and went to the counter with the least customers.

“Good! Just two more then I’m next,” or so I thought.

They were not so wrong when they said not to count your chicks before they hatch. Life is full of surprises.

The two customers were done. It was my turn. A store attendant approached the counter with an elderly man in toe. The attendant requested me to let him be served first.

Now, I would have been a monstrous animal not to have agreed to the demand. My entire body protested. Still, it was my moral obligation to say yes.

“May I know the name of this beautiful young lady who was generous enough to let me be served first?” the old man inquired as he was being served.

I wasn’t in the mood for a chat. Considering where I am from and our norms, it’s considered rude not to engage in small talk with strangers. So, I played along.

The chat went on for a couple of minutes. With every discovery the old man made about me, it was accompanied by a slap on my face.

You heard that right, a slap of excitement, a slap of delight, right across my face. Not the brutal kind, it had less energy put into it but nevertheless it was very awkward and embarrassing.

The customers at the counter were waiting to be served. They received first-hand entertainment from our interaction.

“Why did I come here? I’m getting slaps across my face for some CHOCOLATE!”

At that precise moment I rued going to the store. A God-sent customer decided to intervene and called out the old man for his queer interaction habit of slapping.

“Thank God. I hope no one has recorded this interaction. The last thing I want is to trend on social media over this.”

The old man now aware of his actions bought me two sweets, for my troubles. I wanted to turn him down but I had a feeling that it might have sparked more drama.

I felt my face turn red from the humiliation. As he walked out of the store, I sighed a breath of relief. I didn’t know I was holding it in.

That interaction left me with so many thoughts but I will share the most outstanding lesson and question respectively.

It’s important to learn how to speak up for yourself. Otherwise you’ll be getting slaps across your face from strangers in public.

Was slapping a common occurrence while people interacted during the olden days?

I guess we will never know.

Ps. Just Saying.

Surviving a Monday: My Unexpected Morning Adventure

Today turned out better than I had anticipated. It was a Monday, so I had no expectations of anything fun happening. However, the universe had other plans.

“6:00am! Damn!” I was late yet again.

The realization that I had accidentally snoozed my alarm five times hit me hard.

As they always say, “how you start your week sets the pace for the entire week.” Well, I am not even sure I want to see how my week unfolds at this point.

My audacity to repeatedly snooze the alarm should be studied. Who in their right mind would do that? But again, in my defense, it’s MONDAY! Nothing much to look forward to.

I was certain that I would be late for work. But on the brighter side, my boss was away on a business trip. So I guess I would get a pass this time.

Today I was the perfect embodiment of “there is no hurry in Africa.” For a sweet moment, I felt like I run the world except I literally run my world off course.

“Argh! I don’t know what to wear.”

That happens when you don’t meticulously plan your day ahead. I quickly put up a look that I instantly loathed the moment I walked out the door.

Not stylish! Not classy! Not demure! It just screamed Monday!

“7:30am! You need to get out of the house. NOW!”

I drag my indolent body out of the house and walked to the public vehicle pick up station. I was mentally prepared. I knew it would take me a while to get a vehicle to work. This was rush hour.

“Great. Just great. Anyway this is a great time to try meditation.”

I look up at the sky. I clear my mind. I try to focus on nothing but the beauty of nature. I take in my surroundings.

“Ah, excuse me? Rude much!”

Two guys walked up to me from nowhere and decided to stand right in front of me blocking my view. Before I retort, a cab hailed our direction but we ignored.

You can’t trust just anyone these days. We are living in dark times and no one want to be another trending hashtag.

The cab hooted this time and that ladies and gentlemen was enough to convince me. Sometimes, I hate how audacious I can be.

As I made my way to the cab, the two guys followed me which was nothing out of the ordinary. I mean, we are all probably headed in the same direction.

“Are you headed to the central business district,” I asked the cab driver politely.

“Yes,” he answered bluntly while resuming his phone call.

As soon as we were all inside, he started the car and we were on our merry way to work.

The cab driver was on his phone call the entire time. I couldn’t get a word out to pay for my ride. I decided to be patient which is so unlike me but I’m glad I was.

The driver finished with his phone. He said hi to us all. One of the guys called him by name. It dawned on me that they know each other.

“I mean, he is a cab driver they know,” I tried convincing myself. However, the other guy called him an “engineer”.

My face became so red from embarrassment. I wanted to speak but nothing, no word came out of my mouth.

“Girl! What did you get yourself into? Oh my God! I am so embarrassed for you darling! You hopped into a stranger’s car thinking it was a cab.”

My inner voice wasn’t letting me have it. I sealed my lips and took a solemn vow of silence. You would’ve thought I was dumb.

I heard that the two guys wanted to alight. As soon as I knew, I devised my plan to bolt out of there.

I alighted with them and walked away like the fugitive I was after hijacking someone else’s ride.

My entire walk to work was exhilarating as I was commemorating the death of my dignity.

“We are gathered here today to lay to rest your dignity and pride. We lost them after audacity decided to take over and drive them right into their death at neck-breaking speed. “

Anyway, what a Monday morning!

Ps. Just Saying.

Navigating Love in a Complicated Dating World

Love! A very simple and straightforward concept. It should be way simpler than calculus or trigonometry. Why does it feel like every attempt to understand this modern dating scene results in endless complicated rocket science equations? It was easier during our parents’ time; that is if they are honest about how things used to go down. As a man, you would meet a lady you want to spend the rest of your life with. After a few meet ups by the riverside, you would make your intentions known. The man would throw rocks on the roof or whistle to alert the lady. He would figure out a unique signal. This would indicate his presence around her home. A lady would slyly decide to go fetch firewood or water. The two lovers would accompany each other and finally marriage would come into the picture. It’s sound so nice especially if you have had a peek of what is currently happening. Should we blame it on technology, society or our upbringing. Either way, we need to look into what is currently happening in the dating scene right now.

Love! A very simple and straightforward concept that should be way simpler than calculus or trigonometry. Photo by Min An on Pexels.com

Let’s start with the fact that the terms now used to describe love are getting more complicated every day. Honestly, it’s becoming a little impossible to catch up with. A word like Situationship; we are not single but neither are we dating. On top of that, a new concept is emerging forcefully. We cannot ignore it. Dark psychology. From books, to blogs, to influencers, everyone is eager to teach these deranged tactics. They are targeting individuals who want the upper hand in a relationship. This desire is due to past heartbreak or because of their narcissistic nature. Technology compliments this type of dating but it also promotes promiscuity. I mean, it’s easier to have more than one lover if your main mode of communication is through a gadget. Our parents kept long distance relationships by sending letters. They tell you their stories about anticipating a reply for three months. Our jaws would drop. In this time and generation, that is as rare as the blue diamond. We are the fast-paced generation, we want it and we want it now. Is this disparity because we have too much information at our fingertips? Or have morals eroded over time?

*Love is a scam* or *Love isn’t real* or *After God, the next thing you should fear is marriage*. Photo by Jep Gambardella on Pexels.com

So many lines present in our society have become blurred and this leaves room for new deranged concepts to thrive. The many upcoming influencers who all have something to say about love make it even worse. Each influencer tries to decode love for everyone. They forget that everyone has a different love language. Love is not a one size fits all. Try telling that to some self-proclaimed love coaches. Now, as a consumer of social media content, you blindly follow these concepts sold to you online. You hope they will lead you to your happy ever after. You get stuck and lost in a maze. This maze not only takes you further away from love, but it also taints your perception of it. This has resulted to some popular mantras that people keep chanting. Love is a scam. Some say love isn’t real. Others proclaim, after God, the next thing you should fear is marriage. These ideas sound appealing, and the cycle goes on and on. Like a snowball rolling down a hill, getting wider and bigger with every rotation. We adapt to the terrible norms that are slowly getting rooted in the modern dating scene. Is there a chance for redemption? I guess only time will tell or not.

Ps. Just Saying.

Discovering Life’s Intentionality in Lamu

The will to live is a concept that most of us overlook. We live just because we exist and without knowing it, we count our days instead of making our days count. I know it sounds coy, like something a motivational speaker would say but hear me out. I took a trip to Lamu a couple of weeks back. I had a life-transforming experience that made me think deeply about my intentionality in living life. Am I intentional enough to live? Or am I just existing and waiting for time to catch up with me? Then I will be no more. Lamu is an island along coastal Kenya. This place is completely different from the lifestyle that you are used to. For a tourist, you would love it because it’s a fun adventure. It’s exploring a different culture and a whole new system of life all together. Imagine a town with no vehicles and the main mode of transport is a donkey. Absurd, right? It’s a town so tightly knit that everyone knows each other. Most people rely on tourists to make a living.

Imagine a town with no vehicles and the main mode of transport is a donkey.

During my three day stay there, I had the chance to interact with a local. This person was kind enough to give us a tour of the place. Lamu is a tourist destination. It has some of the most interesting infrastructure. It dates back to ancient times. It’s a place with a rich history. The amazing Swahili cuisines will leave you questioning the food you’ve been consuming all your life. At first glance, you would think that this vast island is a little heaven on earth. I mean people call it “Lamu tamu” which translates to Lamu is sweet. However, I discovered a different reality. It shook me to my core and left me with these endless web of questions. It all began on my second night at the island when we had gone to get dinner. I noticed that service providers on the island were quite slow with their delivery. Their service was the perfect embodiment of “there is no hurry in Africa”. You would consider that a norm but I decided to a little digging and I inquired from the local.

People call it “Lamu tamu” which translates to Lamu is sweet.

“That’s just because most of us have lost hope in life. Most of us on this island just exist waiting for our time on earth to run out. Nothing fazes us anymore. That has become our system of life,” he responded casually as the food vendor handed us our packed Biriyani dish. I couldn’t shake off that response for the rest of the night. It wasn’t until the next day that I noticed the hopelessness on the faces of some locals. They were basking at the town square, waving casually with smiles plastered on their faces. Inside, they felt empty. They have no hope, no aspirations, and nothing to look forward to in life. I questioned if I am living the same reality. Maybe I am just too busy to notice. Or perhaps, I am intentionally living life. Do the decisions I make have meaning? Does the work I do have significance or are they just tasks I am meant to complete? Am I truly alive and living or am I an empty shell with no hope in life? Maybe the fast-paced lifestyle I live hasn’t given me a chance to explore that bit of my life. Ladies and gentlemen, I leave you with this question, are you counting your days or are you making them count?

Ps. Just Saying.

Breaking the Plateau: Achieving Your New Year Goals

Done and dusted! The first quarter of the year is done and it’s a clear depiction of the popular phrase “time waits for no man.” Another year is going by and it begs the question, are you making progress or are you stuck in the endless loop of comfort? When the year is young, we have these amazing plans for the year ahead. We sit and draft vision boards and resolutions on end with so much excitement. At this moment, the we are running on the high of being unstoppable and you can already play out your picture perfect life that’s yet to unfold but this fantasy bubble soon evaporates at the slightest sign of trouble. Reality comes crashing and rebuilding the once perfect castle becomes an impossible task. This is where you decide to take a step back and live an ambitionless life because it is much safer this way. This seems like a solution but tucking your dreams away doesn’t really work for you but the need for easy has you giving in to the flow and adapting to the famous Spanish saying que sera, sera which translates to “whatever will be, will be”.

When the year is young, we have these amazing plans for the year ahead. We sit and draft vision boards and resolutions on end with so much excitement. Photo by Polina u2800 on Pexels.com

Dear friends, all these things happen within the first quarter of the year. Now, it wouldn’t be fair to look at things from one perspective so let us also look the other way; the less travelled path. As always, it starts with the million dollar question, “Am I making progress or am I stuck in the endless loop of comfort?” It is the followed by making plans and resolutions about how this new year will be different. Motivation sparking their desire for growth and progress from within but we know that a spark can only shine so far. In no time, the spark slowly dies out but deep down a subtle voice keeps asking for more. More from you, more of you despite feeling tired and exhausted and the more you ignore the voice, the louder it becomes. So loud that it drowns out your inner critic that beckons to you to just rest and let go of the inner desire to master your destiny. “It’s too much work,” it whispers to you but you don’t have a choice the wheels have to keep turning a slowly the spark converts into a flame. A flame that keeps burning from within and despite the urge to give up and give in, that fire inside you fuels you to do and be more; we call it discipline.

A flame that keeps burning from within and despite the urge to give up and give in, that fire inside you fuels you to do and be more; we call it discipline. Photo by Oladimeji Ajegbile on Pexels.com

The stumbling block that we always bump into is called the plateau. We are used to the idea of success being linear. How can we not perceive it as such while all our lives, success has always been defined like that. A linear process that represents nothing short of perfection but let’s be honest with ourselves. What is life without setbacks? I mean, how else are we supposed to learn and grow without life lessons to draw from. Instead of looking at success as a linear process, why don’t we strive to look at it as an irregular curve that consists of progress, plateaus and setbacks. Now with the incorporation of all these aspects, you have a realistic representation of what life looks like. However, you need to adapt some important qualities for you to keep going no matter what. You need the flame; discipline. The discipline to show up despite the setback, the consistency to keep going even when you don’t feel like it and the patience to wait until the opportune moment knocks on your door. It’s up to you to get you to where you ought to be. Go for it!

Ps. Just Saying.

Why Weaponized Incompetence Is More Than Just Laziness

Manipulation has evolved over time and the forms have become endless. Relationships tend to be the basic foundation of human interaction and not all relationships are healthy. Some relationships contain an element of dishonest social influence that is exercised at the expense of someone else. Today, we will focus on a form of manipulation that seems harmless but is now being widely used in different forms of relationships so that the perpetrators can have the upper hand. Often in a household, we find that a woman is responsible for household chores but with the rampantly evolving gender roles, men also get their share of chores. However, some men tend to intentionally perform poorly in the duties assigned to them just so that they can get out of doing the chores. Is this starting to sound familiar? That colleague at work who screws up their project just so you can get assigned their share of work or your last born sibling who pretends not to know how to clean the dishes so that they can get out of doing chores.

Some relationships contain an element of dishonest social influence that is exercised at the expense of someone else. Photo by cottonbro studio on Pexels.com

Weaponized incompetence; a popular manipulation tactic that is characterized by someone pretending to be incompetent in a particular task just so they can rid themselves of the task. The perpetrator accomplishes this by purposefully performing poorly at tasks assigned or claiming inability to perform certain tasks so as to avoid responsibility. Their behavior forces others to compensate their shortcomings by shunning their responsibilities. This passive-aggressive behavior results in ineffective communication since what they say doesn’t match up to what they do. This is a tactic that is widely popular in romantic relationships but it also manifests in other forms of relationships like platonic, familial, co-workers and otherwise. This tactic is considered highly deceitful because it relies on perceived lack of ability to control or influence others and to avoid accountability.

Weaponized incompetence; a popular manipulation tactic that is characterized by someone pretending to be incompetent in a particular task. Photo by Antoni Shkraba on Pexels.com

It’s easy to identify someone trying to use this trick on you. They tend to consistently common phrases as excuses. Phrases like “I am not good at” or “You do it quicker than me” so as to get out of certain tasks. They show no intention or attempt to improve when it comes to completing the tasks at hand. Be careful of the words that they use when they are trying to shun the chores that they ought to do. They may attempt to use charm by praising and showering you with constant compliments so that they can get you to do the chores. They also tend to blame others for their shortcomings. An example is using a phrase like “It’s your fault because you didn’t show me or teach me”. It might seem like a harmless phrase but ask yourself, how often is it repeated? Weaponized incompetence that is not addressed will result to resentment, tension, hostility and it eats away trust in relationships. The best way to tackle this is to set clear boundaries, organize tasks equally and address the people-pleaser in you. Remember, never expect people to treat you any better than you treat yourself.

Ps. Just Saying.

Breaking Free from Validation Addiction

Growing up, I would constantly seek my parents validation in everything I did. I wanted to make them happy and the only way I was assured that they were pleased is the constant words of affirmation they gave me. Harmless, right? This habit transitioned to school. I would strive to be the best student just so I would hear the teacher compliment me. It felt exhilarating. I felt reassured that I was in the right track. I thrived on that. Being showered with endless praises from my parents, teachers, peers and anyone else who cared. Slowly by slowly it became an addiction. An insatiable desire to want more approval so that I can be validated, until I wasn’t. For a moment, everything seemed null and void. I lost sense of direction because there was no one to applaud my efforts. The world loves that; an uneducated school of life student and boy did the world teach me a tough lesson. Seeking validation for me started off as child’s play. Being naïve and gullible didn’t make my journey down this rabbit hole of constantly seeking validation easy. It took self-awareness to drag myself out of that hole and remind myself that with or without approval, I am enough and that counts.

Growing up, I would constantly seek my parents validation in everything I did. Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano on Pexels.com

Seeking validation is defined as the constant need for external approval. It influences how you perceive yourself. You attach you worth to other people’s approval and opinions. Conditional self-worth gives people power over how you value yourself. We often crave attention from others especially when we need them to notice what we are doing. In some instances, you fear rejection. You want to belong and if you have been in spaces where love was conditional, you will tend to rely on people’s approval more. Your childhood experiences greatly mold us into the people we become later in life. If you grew up in a family where praise was conditional or you had to meet a particular standard for you to be seen, this habit translates to constantly seeking validation later in life. Seeking validation beyond a healthy limit leads to attention-seeking behavior. The need to have everything revolve around you. The “main character energy” syndrome that convinces you to be at the center of everything. You are not afraid to spark drama or cause chaos provided the spotlight is on you.

Seeking validation beyond a healthy limit leads to attention-seeking behavior. Photo by Godisable Jacob on Pexels.com

Constantly seeking validation has detrimental effects and before you get carried away with the high of constant praises, you need to tame yourself. Work on self-awareness by regularly reflecting on your thoughts and behavioral patterns and how they affect you. Build your self-confidence by acknowledging your strengths, accomplishments and your unique abilities. Practice self- compassion and be kind to yourself even when yo make mistakes and recognizing the efforts that you are making. Understanding that perfection is unattainable but a little progress over time is the end goal. Accept yourself as you are, even your flaws because that is what makes you authentic, it’s part of your identity. Don’t allow people to have so much influence over you by separating yourself from people who invalidate you and your emotions. Try adapt some self-care practices as a way to remind yourself that you are worthy. Go on a solo spa date, take a nature walk or any activity that you love engaging in. Learn how to say no to protect your boundaries. Romanticize your life and remind yourself that you matter with or without the approval of others.

Ps. Just Saying.