JUST SAYING

Breaking Free from Validation Addiction

Growing up, I would constantly seek my parents validation in everything I did. I wanted to make them happy and the only way I was assured that they were pleased is the constant words of affirmation they gave me. Harmless, right? This habit transitioned to school. I would strive to be the best student just so I would hear the teacher compliment me. It felt exhilarating. I felt reassured that I was in the right track. I thrived on that. Being showered with endless praises from my parents, teachers, peers and anyone else who cared. Slowly by slowly it became an addiction. An insatiable desire to want more approval so that I can be validated, until I wasn’t. For a moment, everything seemed null and void. I lost sense of direction because there was no one to applaud my efforts. The world loves that; an uneducated school of life student and boy did the world teach me a tough lesson. Seeking validation for me started off as child’s play. Being naïve and gullible didn’t make my journey down this rabbit hole of constantly seeking validation easy. It took self-awareness to drag myself out of that hole and remind myself that with or without approval, I am enough and that counts.

Growing up, I would constantly seek my parents validation in everything I did. Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano on Pexels.com

Seeking validation is defined as the constant need for external approval. It influences how you perceive yourself. You attach you worth to other people’s approval and opinions. Conditional self-worth gives people power over how you value yourself. We often crave attention from others especially when we need them to notice what we are doing. In some instances, you fear rejection. You want to belong and if you have been in spaces where love was conditional, you will tend to rely on people’s approval more. Your childhood experiences greatly mold us into the people we become later in life. If you grew up in a family where praise was conditional or you had to meet a particular standard for you to be seen, this habit translates to constantly seeking validation later in life. Seeking validation beyond a healthy limit leads to attention-seeking behavior. The need to have everything revolve around you. The “main character energy” syndrome that convinces you to be at the center of everything. You are not afraid to spark drama or cause chaos provided the spotlight is on you.

Seeking validation beyond a healthy limit leads to attention-seeking behavior. Photo by Godisable Jacob on Pexels.com

Constantly seeking validation has detrimental effects and before you get carried away with the high of constant praises, you need to tame yourself. Work on self-awareness by regularly reflecting on your thoughts and behavioral patterns and how they affect you. Build your self-confidence by acknowledging your strengths, accomplishments and your unique abilities. Practice self- compassion and be kind to yourself even when yo make mistakes and recognizing the efforts that you are making. Understanding that perfection is unattainable but a little progress over time is the end goal. Accept yourself as you are, even your flaws because that is what makes you authentic, it’s part of your identity. Don’t allow people to have so much influence over you by separating yourself from people who invalidate you and your emotions. Try adapt some self-care practices as a way to remind yourself that you are worthy. Go on a solo spa date, take a nature walk or any activity that you love engaging in. Learn how to say no to protect your boundaries. Romanticize your life and remind yourself that you matter with or without the approval of others.

Ps. Just Saying.

Walking Confidently: Insights from a Unique Experiment

In the fast evolving world, I learnt a very interesting fact about walking that I didn’t pay attention to before. We all know that walking comes naturally; it’s part of growth an development for each individual. Now, people tend to walk in different ways depending on their environment. We can all agree that walking is an integral yet often overlooked factor in our lives. As I was up and about social media, I came across a video that caught my attention. The lady was a former Special agent with the US secret service and now multimedia journalist who was sharing a recent experiment that was conducted with convicted felons in the US a few years back. New York City a population of approximately 8 million people. It one among the busiest cities in US or the world. They placed hidden cameras that recorded people walking in New York City. They then took the footages and played them for some convicted felons in prison. The findings after this experiment were quite interesting and they will send chills down your spine.

I learnt a very interesting fact about walking that I didn’t pay attention to before. Photo by Ramil Ugot on Pexels.com

The convicted felons were instructed to watch the videos and identify who would be an easy target or better yet prey for them. What was most fascinating with this experiment is that the felons choose the exact same people as prey in the footages that they were shown. The reasons that they gave concerning them picking their prey is on how the walked. The people they picked were divided into two groups. One group was the timid people with small steps and no attention to their walk. They seemed unsure, shy and in their head, which predators notice just by studying their walk. The second group of people had long strides, walked without purpose and were sloppy. The “get the hell out of here” walk that steals your attention from your surrounding. The third group of people was special. They had medium strides, walked with confidence, deliberate and well ware of their surrounding. No felon wanted to get anywhere near someone who was keen on their environment.

What was most fascinating with this experiment is that the felons choose the exact same people as prey. Photo by Kindel Media on Pexels.com

Situational awareness; a term that best describes what the special group possessed that set them apart from the prey. This is the ability to perceive, understand and effectively respond to one’s situation. Situational awareness consists of three outstanding features. Perception which refers to being aware of what’s happening around you; your surrounding, potential threats and actions. Comprehension which is the ability to understand the meaning and implications of what you have perceived. Lastly, projection which involves anticipating what might happen next and making an informed decisions. Situational awareness is crucial for safety, security and effective decision making when faced with alarming situations. It’s an important survival skill that we should all employ in our day to day activities for our safety and security. Walk with your head held high and with purpose to steer away from danger.

Ps. Just Saying.

Finding Hope After Hitting Rock Bottom

A story is told of a guy who had it all at such a very young age. He did work hard and smart and somehow he attracted good karma. Every idea that he set out to actualize earned him a good fortune. Everyone looked up to him and many went to him for advice on how to make it in life just like he had done. One fateful day, he lost everything. All the wealth that he had acquired, all his fortune went down the drain. The lavish lifestyle he once knew was gone in the blink of an eye. It started off with him losing his businesses, cars and house. He kept his chin up though because at least he had good health to earn it all back but life had other plans for him. He became sick and he couldn’t afford treatment. The illness was taking a toll on him and he couldn’t actualize any idea he had let alone seek employment. His friend went to see him in the countryside where he was rotting away in his parents attic. All he said was ” I thought losing all my wealth was rock bottom but turns out rock bottom has a basement”.

Life has to find balance, the good and bad have to exist equally. They are like the ying and yang; two opposite forces that complement each other to form a whole. Photo by Alan Cabello on Pexels.com

Life is like a roller coaster and often at times, we get scared and close our eyes expecting things to get better but end up opening them right as you are taking a dive down that slippery slope and at that moment you are sure that you are done for but it’s never really the end. As human beings, we are very superficial. What you consider your worse moment might just be the bare minimum. At times we go through so much like, you lose your job, your long-term lover breaks up with you, you lose a loved one and you think to yourself, “I am so tired of life and I am at my worst, rock bottom”. You become convinced that things can’t get any worse but they potentially can because turns out that rock bottom does in fact have a basement. A life without challenges is impossible but sometimes it can get overwhelming and you can get to the point of questioning your entire existence but one undeniable fact is that the wheels have to keep rolling despite everything that is weighing you down.

The mind-blowing thing about hitting rock bottom and exploring it’s basement is that there is only one way to go and that’s up. Photo by Mariano Ruffa on Pexels.com

The worst is never really the worst. Not a phrase that we like to hear but there is much truth in this statement. Whether we anticipate it or not, the bad will always happen. Call it the equilibrium of life. Life has to find balance, the good and bad have to exist equally. They are like the ying and yang; two opposite forces that complement each other to form a whole. The moment we get to understand that the bad is also part of the equation, it won’t tear us apart but instead it can be what we use to build a staircase out of rock bottom. Sometimes, you will have people to help you up but most of the time, you will have to depend on you to get you out of rock bottom. It’s a process that can either make you or break you but the beauty of it is that the power lies in your hands. Fish for lessons that you will use as building blocks through that season. Just like the roller coaster has ups and downs so does life. The mind-blowing thing about hitting rock bottom and exploring it’s basement is that there is only one way to go and that’s up.

Ps. Just Saying.

Is Love Bombing Toxic? Identifying the Red Flags

In the quest of actively finding love, you will encounter different people with diverse and formidable tendencies. It important to put emphasis on the formidable because modern love in our time is a game. People have perfected the craft of incorporating different manipulation techniques to make sure that they have the upper hand in their relationships. Is it healthy? No, but does it work in their favor? Yes, at the end of the day they have their way. Amongst all the manipulation techniques that are in play, love bombing takes the day. Love is the epitome of a good life but good things in the wrong hands can be weaponized to create a toxic effect that causes detrimental harm. The perpetrator lowers your defenses by expressing intense love, the kind of love that you get to witness in movies or romantic novels. Now, expressing love isn’t a crime but the dynamics around it is what separates genuine love from love bombing. It might seem magical in the moment but once the fantasy bubble bursts, the bitter truth comes streaming in and things get really ugly, really fast.

Love is the epitome of a good life but good things in the wrong hands can be weaponized to create a toxic effect that causes detrimental harm. Photo by George Dolgikh on Pexels.com

Love bombing is described as a toxic relationship when a partner tries so hard to make the other feel like the are loved deeply in an uncomfortable way. This restricts you from being yourself. The manipulation is disguised by intense love, attention and affection. It’s characterized by excessive flattery and praise, being showered with over the top or unnecessary gifts, feeling pressured to lock things down or being isolated from family and friends. The goal is to attempt to influence you through demonstrations of attention. This person tends to overcommunicate their feelings way too early accompanied by intense talks about the future together. It sounds good to the ear when someone say exactly what you need them to. They sweep you off your feet with constant praises and compliments. Anyone is susceptible to using this manipulation technique or falling victim to it but people with anxious or insecure attachment styles or narcissistic personality disorder are more prone to using this tactic as a way to have control and call the shots in the relationship.

Anyone is susceptible to using this manipulation technique or falling victim to it but people with anxious or insecure attachment styles or narcissistic personality disorder are more prone. Photo by Jaye on Pexels.com

Love bombing manifests in three phases. The first phase is the idealization phase where love is at it’s peak. You are showered with excessive love and affection with promises of a future together. The fantasy bubble has been put in place and all the material to build castles in the air are at your disposal. The intention at this point is for you to let your guard down. You decide to lock things down with your new found love. Shortly after is the devaluation phase where you little fantasy bubble begins to deflate. You start to notice the red flags that have been staring right into your face. The gaslighting, the manipulation and the isolation from your friends and your family. Some extreme situations involve physical violence. The final phase is the discard phase where the confrontation happens. You confront them about their behavior and they refuse to cooperate and they skip town. They up and leave, abandoning the relationship. That will leave you nursing a heart ache and relationship trauma. Prevention is better than cure so steer away from love bombers as soon as you identify them.

Ps. Just Saying.

Why You Need to Ditch Your Comfort Zone for Love

Everybody loves love or at least the idea of it but ladies, we have a problem. I have come across several videos on social media especially Tiktok where many ladies express their discomfort when it comes to going out and meeting people. Now, some reasons are valid but there is a need to snap out of this comfort zone. It’s unfortunate that you have the desire to experience love but the hassle of leaving the house is just too agonizing. You friends constantly invite you out hoping that they will set you up with their family or friends but you just give it a pass. You would rather get home after a long day of work, shower, get into your comfy pajamas and hurdle up in your duvet while scrolling through social media admiring couples or better yet watch a romantic movie on Netflix. It’s much more cozy and familiar. On the brighter side it does save you from a lot of love-related drama but there’s a problem. This pity-party is never enough and deep down there is a craving for connection that you drown in the over-indulgence of watching these love-related content.

It’s unfortunate that you have the desire to experience love but the hassle of leaving the house is just too agonizing. Photo by Rigged Photography on Pexels.com

I once heard a guy scold ladies who lock themselves in the whole weekend then proceed to say that they are single and just find love. “Where do you expect to find a man to date you? You don’t expect a man to drop like manna from heaven? Or magically appear on your doorstep with a bouquet of flowers and ring, proposing to you and you live happily ever after?” Actually, all these are pretty decent ideas that most ladies wouldn’t mind. It would save us the hassle of engaging in small talk that barely leads anywhere but the gutter. It’s okay if a lady prefers staying in over the weekend. She has her valid reasons for adapting to that lifestyle but if you want to match you way out of singlehood, things have to change. The image of socializing and small talk is daunting but it might just be the start of something amazing. Breaking this solitude cycle isn’t a walk in the park because often at times, you get so used to spending time by yourself. It becomes a little to comfortable that doing anything other than that seems unnatural; more like you are betraying yourself.

“Where do you expect to find a man to date you? You don’t expect a man to drop like manner from heaven?” Photo by Sofia Alejandra on Pexels.com

On top of that, in the 21st Century, modern love has been misrepresented by so many people and very few authentically represent what we would call a healthy relationship. From manipulation tactics to emotional abuse, even extremes of physical abuse which is pretty ugly. Peace is quite important and a person who is keen on self-awareness would rather tuck themselves in the safety of a controlled environment rather that having to put up with the shenanigans that are deeply rooted in our relations. Would I blame, the Booktok lovers who are glued to the fantasy kind of love? The fanatics of romantic movies and novels? No, I wouldn’t. However, I know it’s not healthy in the long run when you do decide to explore your relationship in real life. It might take a toll on you because reality sucks, in all aspects. Take a chance on yourself today and change that narrative of constantly marveling at other people’s relationships while grumbling about how unlucky you are in love. Get out there and audaciously create your luck because no one will do it for you. Build resilience not to fold despite the mess that you find in the dating scene, amidst the mess is your Pookie. All you have to do is just go out! GET OUT OF YOUR BED!

Ps. Just Saying.

A Tale of Identity: John’s Struggles as an African Abroad

I remember a popular story that I read back in High School. A tale about an ambitious young African man who got the golden opportunity to study Abroad. It was a dream come true for him. Let’s call him John. People from John’s hometown admired him, and the children looked up to him. However, the moment John landed, the harsh reality of being different hit him hard. Everything was different from what he was used to. The weather conditions were harsh, the food was foreign and the people were not as friendly. It was misfortune after misfortune but John had seen nothing yet. It started off with the snoopy guard at a convenience store following him around suspiciously and a pat down as he left the store which the guard said was “standard procedure” but all the white folks left the store at their own pleasure. John didn’t let this misdemeanor get to him though, he expected it but what happened next, took him by surprise.

A tale about an ambitious young African man who got the golden opportunity to study Abroad. It was a dream come true for him. Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

It was one fine evening and he decided to go out and have a nice meal. Amidst his dinner, he used the lavatories and after getting back to his table, a white woman starred at him with disdain evident on her face. He was already used to this kind of reception so he left the restaurant shortly after. As he was walking home, he heard sirens behind him but continued on with his walk until the police car pulled over next to him and the police pounced on him stuffing him on the back seat. He was ordered to remain silent and didn’t bother telling him the reason behind his arrest. After spending hours at the station, they finally attended to him letting him know that someone reported him of indecent exposure in public. He argued saying that at no point did he do such a thing but the police pointed at the fly of his trousers which was still open. He couldn’t believe it since back in his country, a pat on the shoulder and pointing at the fly was how they would communicate. He was let off with a stern warning but this was just the beginning.

As he was walking home, John was arrested for indecent exposure jus because his fly was open. Photo by Kindel Media on Pexels.com

John decided to make some black friends who he would relate with, you know, skin complexion and all but little did he know what trouble he was getting himself into. The interaction started off great, they shared similar experiences and that brought them together, so he thought. They would hang out together whenever he didn’t have classes and inevitably, ended up dating a Black-American girl. It was good while it lasted and even though they had similar complexion, it was distinctly clear that he was African and one thing Blacks know about Africans, we are naïve. After a couple of months dating this girl, they moved in together at the request of the girl. He began to notice that a few of his house items were missing but couldn’t say it out loud. Then the D-day came, and with the snap of a finger, our guy was chased out of his house naked by this girl and her alleged boyfriend. I know you have dozens of questions about this piece. Why did I write it? What’s the intent behind the story? We all know that the darker, the berry the sweeter the juice. Berries vary in hue so the more African the black man…

Ps. Just Saying.

Break Free from Toxic Relationships with the Grey Rock Technique

At least once in our lives, we have encountered narcissistic or manipulative people. They could be friends, romantic partners, colleagues and family members. Some relationships you can sever but some could be beyond your control. Case in example, your family. You have very little control when it comes to the family you grow up in so what ever emotional abuse you are exposed to, you tend to come up with a defense mechanism or suffer through silence. Being at the mercy of a narcissistic or manipulative person can be detrimental to your emotional well being. The reality is that most abusive people thrive on emotion and drama so each and every time you interact with them, their goal is to trigger and toy with your emotions. The more you react to their manipulation, the more you fuel their desire to get explosive reactions out of you but brace yourself because there’s a way to protect yourself and it starts with these series of questions. What happens when you don’t flinch? What happens when you refuse to play the game? What happens when you break free from their toxic cycle?

The reality is that most abusive people thrive on emotion and drama so each and every time you interact, their goal is to trigger and toy with your emotions. Photo by Liza Summer on Pexels.com

The Grey Rock method is a strategy of protecting yourself from abusive or toxic friends, partners, co-workers and family members. It entails becoming unresponsive to abusive or manipulative behavior so that the perpetrator loses interest. Abusive people thrive on attention and validation. That is why they are persistent so they can feed off of your reaction. The goal is to flip the script and let them wallow in unsatisfaction because you didn’t give them the control and power over you they intended to have. Grey rocking can be presented as avoiding eye contact in conversations, giving short answers, showing no emotional vulnerability, minimizing conversations, avoid arguments at all cost, or depicting undivided attention while having a conversation with a toxic person. Withholding your reactions might potentially stop this behavior or reduce the frequency of the behavior. Choosing to withdraw from this game will help you detach from the abusive offender and might give fewer opportunities for abusers to exploit others.

The Grey Rock method is a strategy that entails becoming unresponsive to abusive or manipulative behavior so that the perpetrator loses interest. Photo by Teddy tavan on Pexels.com

The grey rocking theory is rooted in behavioral psychology theory which emphasizes that behaviors are acquired, strengthened, weakened or shaped by context. Grey rocking can help you against emotional or psychological abuse tactics, narcissistic games and toxic behaviors. There is a catch though, the concept of grey rocking will entail you hiding your emotions which can get overwhelming. You will feel each and every emotion but you will not give the perpetrator the satisfaction of watching you crumble. It might get lonely and exhausting but the aim is to find a healthy space to express your emotions without them being weaponized. As effective as this method may be, it’s not a long-term solution to addressing toxic and abusive relationships. Grey rocking might not be safe for everyone. In some extreme cases, if your partner is abusive not indulging in the scuffle might trigger them to get physical so that they can assert their dominance and power over you. In such instances, it’s advisable for you seek help from a professional like a therapist and if you are in a position to, exit from that toxic relationship.

Ps. Just Saying.

Discover Your Ikigai: The Key to a Meaningful Life

Everyday we wake up, we have tasks to complete. A 9-5 job you have to get to, go to the gym later, catch up with friends, walk your dog, fill in your journal, eat, sleep and repeat. A repetitive cycle that recurs day in day out. Your routine might be slightly different but it definitely repetitive. Do you love what you do? Do you look forward to doing what you do everyday? When you talk about what you do, do your eyes light up? Do you feel fulfilled at the end of the day after working tirelessly all day? These questions trigger you to critically think about how you live your life. Does your life have meaning or are you just surviving? Most of us are living on survival mode. “Doing what I have to do to ensure that I live. My passions, my happiness doesn’t matter” .The goal is to make it out alive. It’s not bad to want to live but what’s the quality of life that you are living? Are you fulfilled? Are you happy? Does your life have meaning?

Do you love what you do? Do you look forward to doing what you do everyday? Photo by energepic.com on Pexels.com

The Japanese have summarized this concept into one simple term known as Ikigai. Ikigai is defined as the reason for being. It translates to having a sense of purpose and a reason for living. Many at times, you tend to feel lost or have a void inside and you can’t quite put your finger on. You become prone to anxiety, worry, self-doubt, stress and eventually depression. Ikigai reveals your passion and what gives you value and joy in life. What do you love? What are you good at? What does the world need? What can you be paid for? If you can intuitively answer these questions, you will be a step closer to figuring out or understanding your ikigai better. Your ikigai will start out as your passion, then your mission, later after learning and growth, you can make it your profession and vocation. The trick is unraveling what you love doing and what task you accomplish with ease no matter how complicated it might be. You would say that it comes naturally to you.

*Ikigai* is defined as the reason for being. It translates to having a sense of purpose and a reason for living. Photo by Paula Alionyte on Pexels.com

Now, ikigai is a popular term discussed all over social media but I didn’t get in-depth information until I immersed myself in a book; “Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life“, which I highly recommend for you to read. The book by Hector Garcia and Francesc Miralles conducts research on a Blue zone town in Japan, Okinawa, also known as “the village of Longevity“. While the rest of the world is consumed by everyday anxieties of life, the people in Okinawa, Japan live life with meaning and do so purposefully. What is their secret? How do they do it? Well, first things first is a healthy body and mind. What do you feed your mind and what do you feed your body? Sometimes, you might tend to overlook the importance of a healthy mind. For you to pursue your purpose, you need a sense of clarity. Eating right and moving your body is equally as crucial. If you want to live a fulfilled life with meaning, find and live up to your ikigai. Find it, explore it and live it!

Ps. Just Saying.

The Care-Bear Method: Love or Manipulation?

Bare minimum is a term that is at the center of modern day relationships. It’s a debate that has been going on and we might not come to a memorandum of understanding on this heated topic. The constant introduction of new terms has been on the rise and recently, I came across this very interesting term that will mesmerize you and equally have you raging. The evolution of relationships throughout generations is quite significant and the changes are sometimes hard to keep up with. The complexities around the theme of love keep becoming more tangled. Quite frankly, rocket science at this point might be easier, I mean its mathematics and it has a formula but love, emotions, no formula whatsoever is guaranteed to work but that doesn’t stop people from trying. That is why a narcissistic person decided to come up with a manipulation method known as the “care-bear” method or maybe it has existed for a long time but now we have a name for it.

Quite frankly, rocket science at this point might be easier, I mean its mathematics and it has a formula but love, emotions, no formula whatsoever is guaranteed to work but that doesn’t stop people from trying.

The “care-bear” method is a term that was coined from the popular app, TikTok. This comes with a couple of testimonials from countless people attesting to how this method works and puts you in a position of “control” or “power”. The concept behind this method is ghosting someone you are romantically interested in briefly the reconnecting with them in a “new” way. At this point, I know that the dots have started connecting to form a pattern that you have experienced in the past or maybe at the moment. This method however goes deeper than that. It’s a cunning game of numbers and I need your undivided attention to understand how it works. A more detailed explanation states that the guy or man in a relationship gives 100% in a relationship with their partner then they drop the attention and love drastically to 50%. This will raise an eyebrow and when their partner confronts them, they give 80%. Now, there’s still a deficit of 20% but the slight 30% change will seem worth it and the pattern goes on and on until there’s a remarkable drop. Eventually, you end up settling for what, 30%? Or maybe less but you still remain grateful because they are giving you something.

The “care-bear” method is a form of manipulation that might be translated to emotional abuse.

Those who use this hideous method argue that, it keeps things interesting in a relationship by stirring up curiosity in their partner; you know keeping things spicy. If this is what we call spicy then bland just might be my cup of tea. The “care-bear” method is a form of manipulation that might be translated to emotional abuse. What is being perceived as stirring “curiosity” is outright playing and invalidating your partner’s feelings. The frustration of being ghosted or being tricked into settling for less than the bare minimum is unhealthy. Being stuck in that manipulative cycle holds you back from exploring what you deserve; a healthy relationship. The illusion that you have everything while having nothing at all. No control whatsoever. These games are becoming rampant as everyone wants to have the upper hand when it comes to love but we are getting it all wrong. You don’t strategize love, love buds and unfolds and to experience it, you have to be willing to embrace that freefall. Failure to which, you will settle for less than the bare minimum, which potentially means nothing.

Ps. Just Saying.

Why You Struggle to Say No: Unpacking People-Pleasing

How often do you say “no”? Do you tend to feel guilty after saying “no”? Why do you tend to agree with things that go against your values? We have grown up in a society where saying “no” is seen as being mean and selfish. We then put on a façade to fit into the idea of what is deemed acceptable so we may belong. As we bloom into adulthood, we become dependent on validation from others and we tend to go out of our way to make others comfortable. This attracts all forms of disrespect because people study your patterns and know the right buttons to press to get their requests granted. Due to fear of confrontation you say “yes” to everything and with time, it becomes your brand. This “nice” character smiles at everyone, says “yes” to everything, lacks boundaries and worst of all is a puppet granting everyone’s wish but their own. You want to be free, free from people’s grips, society’s control but you would rather fold than face your fears. The fear to be different, the fear to be authentic and the fear to be you.

This “nice” character smiles at everyone, says yes to everything, lacks boundaries and worst of all is a puppet granting everyone’s wish but their own.

These behaviors and patterns are cultivated as you grow up so high chances are this habit of being “nice” to a point of bending your rules and values stemmed from your childhood. The constant need to feel accepted, valued and seen. Attaching your worth to the acceptance of other people due to the rejection you experienced growing up. You lose yourself in an endless loop of people pleasing. Soon enough, your once genuine smile becomes a mask meant to hide the suffering and pain that you have knowingly or unknowingly inflicted on yourself. You become an empty shell because of constantly emptying yourself out to people who don’t see or appreciate your value. Once people know that they have unlimited access to you, they exploit you in every gruesome way possible. Giving people power over you is detrimental to your self-esteem and they will use your insecurities as a weapon against you. The constant need to be validated and putting others opinions on a pedestal above your own destroys your confidence.

Be open minded and learn how to say NO! Good people have boundaries.

This “nice” syndrome tends to cloud your judgement and you might even mistake the exploitation for being important or helpful. The constant need to be at peace with everyone pushes you to go out of your way, compromise your beliefs and breach your defenses welcoming all sorts of unacceptable mannerisms. It might seem safe to always say “yes” in that moment, but the more you say “yes” while you are screaming “no” in the inside, you dig a hole deeper and deeper into the continuous loop of people pleasing. An addictive pattern that’s quite tough to break because it will require you to confront your fears and aggressors. You have to learn to say “no”; without any explanation whatsoever in some extreme situations especially those who try to manipulate you. Remember that you can be good and kind but still say “no”. Take time knowing yourself because self-awareness will guide you to know what work for you and what doesn’t. In order to protect your value, your energy and your space, you need to make that needed change. Be open minded and learn how to say “NO”!

Ps. Just Saying.